And there's parody
by LadyCelesticANDsilverRose
Summary: Well...the name kinda speaks for itself.Parody with a slight twist or.......NOT


The train to Hogwarts at platform 9 3/4 was packed with hoards of parents, students and the air was filled with anticipation for a new year of new possibilities at the Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.

Hermione Aphrodite Granger gazed around the crowd. her shiny head girl badge glinting in the sunlight. She looked forward to meeting her friends and finding out who the new head boy was.

"Hermione" a familiar voice called. " wait up!"

She turned towards the source of the voice and saw a muscular man-boy with jet black messy hair and emerald green eyes the sparkled across a few heads. Clinging on his right arm a bimbo like blond, in a small Hawaiian bikini- top and a tight little mini-skirt.

Hermione heart wrenched at the sight of Harry and the familiar-looking bimbo, but she, bravely, plastered a large grin on her face and waved them over.

" HARRY!"she greeted him as cheerily as she could, ignoring the clingy mustard-haired leech. But she glared at the blond and almost fainted at when the cloud of recognition hit her

"YOU?" Hermione screeched, "first you stole Ron away form me and now you're stealing Harry!"

Harry looked at his companion ant then at Hermione and said " you know I'd never really choose you, you're my best friend, one of the guys"

The blond, who turned out to be Lavender smirked and said haughtily "why would anyone choose you when I AM around", when Harry was conveniently deaf and looking away, "my double-D chest and mile-long legs make up for the lack of my non-existent brains!"

Hermione huffed, trying to stop the myriad flow of tears threatening to spill from her doe like brown eyes thinking _why can't I have a double D chest and long legs. I'm so sick of being called the brain! _

"Oh, I see. Bye Harry." She mumbled and swerved towards the train causing her thick mane of curly long brown hair to hit Harry and lavender when they were , conveniently, just about to snog. Lavender shrieked and to protect her fake lashes from falling off, she waved her hand and 'accidentally' smacked Harry on the face due to which his round thick framed glasses flew off.

Hermione ran blindly to the heads compartment and slid the door as much force as her petite little body could muster. She closed her eyes took a deep breath preparing to greet her counter head. (Soon to be her counter partner)

"YOU!" she screeched for the second time that day "what are YOU doing here?"

"And I Thought you're supposed to be smart" the head-boy drawled as he walked toward her menacingly "I'm Head-boy, you stupid mud-blood"

As he loomed closer with his platinum silky blond hair, draping over his steely grey eyes' Hermione was paralyzed by his angelic beauty.

"he's soo handsome" Her girly mind gushed' as she looked up at him unblinkingly and unconsciously. _When did he get so good-looking?_

Draco Adonis Malfoy could not understand the mudblood as he stared up at him with those beautifu- _WAIT! What am I saying? Ugly, ugly, ugly, UUUUGGGGLLLYYY!-Brown _Innocent eyes.

Suddenly the train stopped with a jerk (as it was presumably moving at a constant speed for a while). Draco lurched forward and fell atop Hermione resulting in them falling backwards on the seat. The timing couldn't have been better. Ron walked in, choosing that very moment to pick up courage and confess his eternal feeling for his female best-friend (conveniently having superior balance to have defied gravity when the train lurched forward).

"Herms I- MALFOY" he bellowed, at the sight in front of him "Abba-dabbe What BAbba- IS-baaqab abbab -Going ON?"(HE IS DUMB AFTER ALL!)

" Yes OH BRAINY ONE," Malfoy stupidly intoned "haven't you ever seen a guy on top of a girl?"

Hermione, apparently, was too stunned to move as she felt the rippling muscles of Malfoy's hard sinewy body on top of her tiny one ._Thank God for quidditch _she, dreamily thought enjoying the heat of his amazing closeness and cologne.

Then, it Suddenly occurred to her that her bitter arch-rival was lying on top of her and her best friend gaping at them as though something forbidden at happened.

Ron was still continuing his rumblings and Malfoy was rolling his gorgeo-_Wait! What am I saying?-_ grey eyes

"Ron Its not what you think," Hermione tried to reason with her best friend. "I was just talking' to Malfoy when he-"

"Save it Hermione," Ron Snapped, "I do not want to hear anymore. I WILL NEVER COME TO YOU, FOR um-uh-err-err-uh-"

"HOMEWORK?" Hermione supplied helpfully, Draco still lying on top of her savoring the feel of her (here it comes again) _petite, lithe, warm, sweet_ body.

Ron looked at her stupidly for a minute, apparently at a loss for words and actions (as was custom!). After some contemplation he decided he wanted to scoff and slammed the door leaving Hermione and Draco all alone, all over again.

Hermione glared at Draco. Draco glared back at her with as much passion. Gradually his look turned softer. And so did hers. His caressing gaze slowly traveled from her eyes to her soft lips. And with low, intense voice he whispered "Filthy mudblood" and violently wrenched himself away from her. He backed away from her "you ugly, bushy-haired, buck toothed, know-it-all ugly cow-faced mudblood" and walked out slamming the compartment door. (it's a wonder the door doesn't fall apart with all the slamming).

Hermione's tears finally broke loose and she decided _this is it! I am going to show every one that I am not a bushy-haired buck- toothed _(you get the rest!) _mudblood. _

The rest of the train-ride went passed smoothly enough, with the glaring exception of Hermione channeling the 'the dreaded hose-pipe' with terrifying accuracy (as Draco would like to say) and putting both of them at the risk of drowning. Draco pretended to be oblivious while he's counter female-part lovingly created her pacific ocean, with colourful curses, when all he wanted to do is kiss her madly or pull that muddy, bushy hair (ahh Draco in the throes of PMS, who'd have thought?...or maybe he's just bi-polar)

For Hermione, however, everything passed in a blur. She was soooo hurt by Harry's betrayal (Hermione, I declare with all utter seriousness, is in denial) and Dra-_Malfoy's _contempt of her (hehehehehehe). She had though she was very exceptionally dignified and composed during the train-ride (remember, my dear friends, our very colourful pacific? Yes that's the one!...Serious DENIAL!). also for reasons unknown to her every time she glanced at Dra-_DRAT- MALFOOY, _her heart (or something of the sort) shifted into high-geared girly shrieks of 'ooooohhh, aaaah.. wooooooww' and so on and so forth

(Somebody should just throw them together in a hot locked broom closet and let them figure it out…hahahahaha evil authors of fanfiction….LET THEM SUFFFERRR!)

The sorting ceremony went off without a hitch, of course that is without counting the emission of twin very, decidedly _NOT _manly twin shrieks emitted by our darling heroes, Harry and Ron upon hearing about the identification of the head boy…five minutes after which Harry returned to ogling Lavender's double D's, his very fraternal twin, Ron, for the lack of anything to do, ogled his share too! And Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with their usual ardor (He's soooo a twitcher! He's a TWITCHY, BARMY, OLD, BATTY, BADGER). Hermione fumed at sensitivity of _her _boys--NOT! So she sighed when she noticed that they really did not notice and tried discreetly to ogle and gape and gush at the eternal Draco –_GOD OF SEX- _Malfoy. Her girly mind went into standard archaic mode "oooh..aaaah…woooooowwww", and she resigned herself to the fact that there really was nothing she could do about it.

Professor McGonagall stood up and called out to the head students "Mr Malfoy, Ms Granger, kindly follow me to your rooms"

Hermione jumped to obey knocking her pumpkin juice to the floor with the bump of her hip and Harry's glasses with her flyaway hands(she really has it against him). Harry yelped and Draco-well-smirked, she blushed at her clumsiness and quickly made her way to the professor.

MacGonagall walked swiftly, ahead of the pair, her footsteps brisk and business-like (rather like a duck).

" I hope the two of you are aware that you will be sharing a common room" she delivered, as they ceased walking in front of a portrait "and I am aware of your antagonism, but you are both head students and nothing short of flawless display of professional co-operative behaviour is expected of both of you"

Hermione nodded eagerly, Draco merely arched his eye-brows at her. She returned his skeptical display with an exasperated look as MacGonagall droned on, and then got…well…hypnotized by the green flecks n his soo silver eyes…amused but still closed off…still intense..(Fan Girls:oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0000000000000000ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh)

As if completely aware of his thoughts, Draco gave Hermione a slow, predatory smile, which meshed and churned her insides and made her blush again, much to is satisfaction. They stared into each other's socket for a few moments (I'm sure McGonagall is completely blind), then jerked their gazes away.

"Follow me" the Blind Lady barked.

Draco and Hermione avoided each other's gazes as they snapped into attention at the professor's voice, and followed her to a portrait of a young man and woman in Hogwarts' robes. There was no distinct mark to discern, however, the houses they belonged to. But they did look very familiar...white-blond hair, brown hair...(hmm hmm hmm

'The password is Harmonica and dilligence' McGonagall said, and then looked at them pointedly "and that is what we expect from the pair of you"

She stated the password to portrait.

The common room was designed to be a common ground between the heads. It was disgustingly blatant attempt to mesh their respective house to such an alarming degree that Draco had to repress a shudder, while Hermione's face sported a sickeningly cheery and scary enthusiasm. Draco resisted the urge to gag. The woman was completely tasteless if she was pleased by their 'humble' accomodations.

Hermione loved the coziness of their common-room, the reds and greens were surprisingly muted to create a very warm affect(get it get it...its red AND green).

"I'll leave you both now," McGonagall said "you'll find your trunks in your respective rooms, and your timetables along with your Head students' instructions will be in your common-room by the morning"

Hermione was tired of fighting with Draco over nothing, so she just quietly walked to the oak door with her name on it. It was a magical finger-print identification door, she swung the door open weakly and without changing, or even taking in the surroundings she fell to a massive bed, in a heap of unattractive black robes(there's something magically sadistic about writing about Hermione's lack of fashion sense and over-whelming storage of tears...makes me feel positively giddy)and sobs. the day's toll was too high on her frail countenance(I hate to think how high it would be once I'm done with her..khheeee kheee kheee hahahaha)

Draco heard the all-too-familiar wails and rolled his eyes. _MERLIN, _he thought, _the woman cried like a damned banshee...correction..hose-pipe_(Cho and Hermione on the same page, who would've thought). He trotted to his room,(Draco trotting...giggle,giggle, giggle) under the illusion that he was sauntering confidently and looked around the positively paltry decorations in his room, disdainfully(snobby Draco, SeXAY Draco...). He jumped when the Hermione's wails rose in volume, drastically. _Oh Boy! this was going to be a long night._


End file.
